Hey “Dad” I Did it Without You

To the man who abandoned me 18+ years ago, thank you. You showed me that not only can I survive without you, but that I can build my own life that doesn’t involve you or any memories of you. Yes, there are things that I inherited from you (your eyes and your temper) but when I look at myself, I no longer see you. I see a confident young woman who has overcome her past and is creating a brighter future for herself. Yes, there are still times where I want to ask my mother how I can contact you to sit down and talk to you and ask you why you abused me, why you cheated on my mother, and most importantly why you left me to grow up without you. But I’ve realized that doing that will destroy any blockade I have in my mind of you, because my times with you weren’t pleasant at all. So thank you, thank you for leaving my life without a goodbye. Thank you for giving me up to my father and a better life. I’ve done so well without you “dad”. 
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To the man who raised me and took me in when he didn’t have to. Thank you. You’ve shown me that family isn’t necessarily always a bond formed by blood. You’ve helped me create the strong and (somewhat) independent woman that I am today. You’ve given me a family that loves me unconditionally and accepts me even though I’m not theirs by blood. Yes, there are times where both of us are convinced that the other hates our guts. Yes, there are times when I’ve driven you insane with my lack of effort in school. And even now, as I prepare myself to go into the Army, I’m driving you insane by not being 110% sure on if I want to enlist or not (although to make you happy I’m still leaning towards enlisting) And believe it or not, I’ve inherited things from you too. Like your love of video games and odd fantasy books. Or even your chess “skills”. So thank you Daddy, for always being there and loving me unconditionally. I couldn’t do this without you. 

Handle With Care -Stephanie Matts

Sometimes I am steeliron-clad, no words can break me

I wear my smile as armor

a shield that denies pain and deflects all harm

This mask I wear glows so bright

it blinds anyone its light catches

These are the times I am fearless

I can conquer anything and never be wounded

because I am superhuman

I am immortal and nothing can cut me

But I have to let this armor fall 

for it is heavy and awkward to carry

Under this armor lies something soft and fragile

it is intricate and beautiful

Without this armor I am labeled 

“Handle with care” 

The slightest touch with even the best of intentions

and I am shattered. Left to rebuild once again.

Every time I rebuild my armor grows stronger

but the snowflake of a person resting inside

much more fragile

This snowflake, a kaleidoscope of experience 

it becomes more detailed and complex

with each twist and turn

When this armor falls 

I am a sponge

I absorb everything, let it soak me to the core

but touch me and the tears rush out

quickly and all at once

Being built this way is exhausting

it is constant maintenance and never-ending construction  

Daily I fight between carrying this armor and

putting at risk the fragility that is my key

If you ever find your iron-clad snowflake

Please…handle with care
My best friend Stephanie wrote this with me and our friend Amanda in mind. If you do comment, please make it nice! 

Clarity

 

If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy? If our love’s insanity why are you my clarity?

 I’m afraid of the word “soul mate” I don’t know why…just something about the word strikes fear into my heart. Maybe because every relationship I’ve been in that I’ve used the word in has ended within two weeks of me uttering or typing the word to my significant other of that time, maybe it’s because I’m afraid of committing myself to that one person… All I know is whenever I hear the term my heart rate drops and I feel the worst fear/anxiety I’ve felt in a long time. 

Wall Flower

  
Wall flower
Hey there anxiety, it’s been a while 

It’s really nice to see you again. 

Spiking up when I don’t want you. 

Acting up when I don’t need you. 
Hey there anxiety, it’s been a few hours

It’d be nice of you to leave soon…

I’m supposed to be having fun 

But I haven’t left the wall yet. 
Where’s my relief when I need it?

Where’s my help, cause I can’t see it! 

Chocolate Ravioli

Chocolate Ravioli
What You Will Need:

2 1/2 cups all purpose flour

1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

4 eggs – divided

1/3 – 1/2 cup water

8 ounces mascarpone

4 tablespoons sugar – divided

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1 tablespoon roughly chopped fresh mint

What To Do:

Into a large mixing bowl add: flour, cocoa, 3 eggs. Using your mixer, start off slowly until ingredients are incorporated. Gradually stream in water while mixer is running and a dough ball has formed.

Switch to dough hook (or knead by hand) until dough is tacky but not sticky. Wrap dough in plastic wrap and transfer to refrigerator for a minimum of 1 hour to rest.

While dough is resting making filling. Into a small bowl add: mascarpone, 1 egg, 2 tablespoons sugar, vanilla and mint. Mix until well incorporated. Transfer to refrigerator until ready to use.

Once dough is chilled, divide into 4 pieces. Using a pasta machine, one at a time, roll out each piece from the widest to the thinnest setting. Keep remaining pieces covered and in refrigerator until ready to use.

To assemble: Lightly dust clean work surface with flour. Place one pasta sheet on the work surface. Place a teaspoon of filling every 3 inches down the pasta sheet. Fold the dough over, and press around filling to seal.

Using a 2″ ravioli cutter (or pastry wheel) cut out ravioli. Set ravioli on a baking sheet lined with a silicone mat or parchment paper. Continue with remaining dough. Refrigerate until ready to cook.

To cook the ravioli, bring water and 2 tablespoons of sugar to a boil in a large pot. Add ravioli (do not crowd pot, do this in batches). When pasta floats to the top leave it for an additional 2 minutes or until al dente.

Remove ravioli with a slotted spoon. Drizzle with sauce of choice.

Root Beer Cupcakes

Root Beer Cupcakes Recipe (pair with vanilla ice cream buttercream for root beer float cupcake) 
Prep time

10 mins

Cook time

20 mins

Total time

30 mins

Serves: 24 cupcakes

Ingredients

1 box of White Cake Mix (I used Pillsbury Classic White Cake Mix)

1 cup of Root Beer (substitute for the water)

3 Eggs (or per your cake mix directions)

⅓ cup of Oil (or per your cake mix directions)

Instructions

Prepare the White Cake Mix per the instructions on the box EXCEPT substitute Root Beer for the water.

Line Cupcake pan with liners

Fill the cupcake liners ½ to ⅔rds full

Bake at 350 for 20 min (or per your cake mix instructions)

: hold it right there :

the whirly girl

Wait, whoa, what happened to May? It was here a minute ago.

All right, which one of you wise guys hit fast forward? Was it you? You’re sweating. I’ll bet you complain about the heat a lot, don’t you? Roll up the car windows and crank the air conditioning to icy blast. You probably refuse to draw a breath that hasn’t been remanufactured and refrigerated. I know you, you’re a summer hater.

Well, thanks to you and your kind I need a parka at the movies and hot soup in restaurants. Trips to shopping malls are arctic expeditions, minus the crampons. Grocery stores have the ambience of cryonic chambers. And from May through September, my lips are a ghastly blue. Please, for the love of God, step away from the thermostat.We’re not fish sticks.

Can’t we enjoy summer? Does every flipping minute have to feel like February? Cold doesn’t…

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If…

If only

If only I were that confident

I can’t remember the amount of times that phrase has run through my head.

If only I could paint like that I think,

gazing between my canvas and hers…or his.

If only my words held as much weight in the hearts of others

as they do when I scrawl them down on a tired notebook

at three in the morning. 

If…

If only I were enough.

I have found that no matter the accomplishment 

my mind always finds the “if” 

The “if only he were here” 

The “if only I had tried”

The “if only I were as driven as she is…or he is”

The “if only I had gotten out of bed” 

The “if” 

My life is driven by that one word

so much so that hearing it makes me cringe.

How is it that two letters, that one small and seemingly harmless word

can propel a person to be who they are

can keep you up all night with that sick dizzying feeling

can tear apart a life while at the same time sustaining it.

If is a poison I can’t help but breathe in.

If, a dark tar that coats my lungs.

If, a thick fog that blinds me.

If is the blood running through my veins.

If is my once upon a time.

It is my happily ever after, my the end, my whatever.

If is my life force, my hope, motivation, and regrets.

If is all the wishes I have made on loose eyelashes.

It is every first kiss, and bittersweet goodbye.

If haunts me,

but it pushes me to be better.

I don’t where I would be without if.

If is my most favorite word,

and my least,

but mostly it is my dreamy, yet melancholy sigh 

If…

Scars

The Lefthanded Project

Her fingers are like compasses that knew, without even looking, where to trace displeasing marks left four years ago. One by one, slowly, they touched the fragile dotted flesh on her elbow, down to her left foot, the three coin-like keloids at her back torso and that one patch of still aching flesh on her back head. As fingers trace them, her mind races back to that very day: a Chinese man holding a rose close up to his nose, a book she just bought and the white truck. Her reconciliation knew perfectly that it was a white truck, but everyone proves her otherwise. Those things flashed frantically in her mind, making collisions of unwanted images as her body flew and concur barbarically against the hard, heated asphalt like a pile of papers scatters everywhere by the howling November wind. Before she figured it all out; before she felt pain…

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Prejudices.

WanderingViolet

The sky high stilettos,
The slutty dress,
The vulgar dancing,
A broken mess.

This is so unlike me.I have never written anything like this.But this came out of nowhere, I guess.:/
Well,Whatevs.

Toodles!
~A♥~

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