If…

If only

If only I were that confident

I can’t remember the amount of times that phrase has run through my head.

If only I could paint like that I think,

gazing between my canvas and hers…or his.

If only my words held as much weight in the hearts of others

as they do when I scrawl them down on a tired notebook

at three in the morning. 

If…

If only I were enough.

I have found that no matter the accomplishment 

my mind always finds the “if” 

The “if only he were here” 

The “if only I had tried”

The “if only I were as driven as she is…or he is”

The “if only I had gotten out of bed” 

The “if” 

My life is driven by that one word

so much so that hearing it makes me cringe.

How is it that two letters, that one small and seemingly harmless word

can propel a person to be who they are

can keep you up all night with that sick dizzying feeling

can tear apart a life while at the same time sustaining it.

If is a poison I can’t help but breathe in.

If, a dark tar that coats my lungs.

If, a thick fog that blinds me.

If is the blood running through my veins.

If is my once upon a time.

It is my happily ever after, my the end, my whatever.

If is my life force, my hope, motivation, and regrets.

If is all the wishes I have made on loose eyelashes.

It is every first kiss, and bittersweet goodbye.

If haunts me,

but it pushes me to be better.

I don’t where I would be without if.

If is my most favorite word,

and my least,

but mostly it is my dreamy, yet melancholy sigh 

If…

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Scars

Portrait of Dust

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Her fingers are like compasses that knew, without even looking, where to trace displeasing marks left four years ago. One by one, slowly, they touched the fragile dotted flesh on her elbow, down to her left foot, the three coin-like keloids at her back torso and that one patch of still aching flesh on her back head. As fingers trace them, her mind races back to that very day: a Chinese man holding a rose close up to his nose, a book she just bought and the white truck. Her reconciliation knew perfectly that it was a white truck, but everyone proves her otherwise. Those things flashed frantically in her mind, making collisions of unwanted images as her body flew and concur barbarically against the hard, heated asphalt like a pile of papers scatters everywhere by the howling November wind. Before she figured it all out; before she felt pain…

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Distractions

anansi2050

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“A man should always be moving forward”, I think I have written that before– well at least somewhere. But–what seems to be getting in the way? What keeps forcing man to journey backward? Well as the post title states, it’s his “distractions”, and without stating the actual definition, I will proceed with just a generic idea off the top of my head. Distractions can be described as what we deliberately allow to keep our full attention most of the time or what keeps us off the path that was given to us by a power greater than ourselves.

For starters, I for one, never “profess perfection”, so I also get distracted from time to time. The difference is in my awareness. There are so many things clamoring for our time, some deliberately. As I observe the society I live in, the continent of the “good ole” U.S.A., I see a nation…

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Why women talk less

language: a feminist guide

This week on Newsnight, Evan Davis talked to three women about all-male panels—a subject made topical by the recent popularity of a tumblr set up to name and shame them. Why, he asked, are women so often un- or under-represented in public forums? Are they reluctant to put themselves forward? Are they deterred by the adversarial nature of the proceedings?

The women offered some alternative suggestions. Women don’t get asked, or if they do it’s assumed you only need one. Women aren’t seen as experts, unless the subject is a ‘women’s issue’. The age-old prejudice against women speaking in public means that any woman who dares to voice her opinions can expect to be deluged with abuse and threats.

But while all-male panels are obviously a problem, they’re only the tip of the iceberg. Just ensuring that women are represented on a panel does not guarantee their voices will…

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